Block Your Relatives On Facebook

Nosy

Your relatives bring nothing to Facebook except their nose. Believe me. They will stalk you endlessly, dig out things that you don't know exist and just go poking around your Facebook in all their free time. Why? Because AEWEEN!

Weird Embarrassing Comments

Yes, this has happened. You're being cool, uploading pictures with your friends and suddenly your distant aunt comments "Maham ki bachpan say he naak itni barri hai" or something like "Suit acha hai lekin tumharay rang kay sath nai ja raha" and you're there like who asked you bro?

You Don’t Know Them But They Know You

This is a creepy one. Ok this actually happened. Once I went to a family event. Some Mehndi. So Im just chilling there on my seat with my phone harming no one when this random middle aged man walked up to me and said "Maham ap kesi hain" I turned around and looked to make sure he was talking to me. Then he went "May nay Facebook pay dekha tha ap nay us din X Park ka check-in kia tha. Achi jaga hai. "

Me: "Je apka kia naam hai?"

Him: "Gohar"

Go home. Search. Delete. 

And this other time this random Aunty said she didn't think I had the right friends or something. And she also said kay may drawni pictures upload kerti hun. I knew her name and I checked she wasn't on my list, it was her son and her bahhu. Deleted them too. Aween velay na hon to.

Gossip

Self-explanatory. Wo wahan gayi. Ye pehen kay gayi. Uskay sath gayi. Ye kha kay ai. Jo khaya us may makhi nikal ai. Phir us nay naya order diya. Bhai apko bill araha hai? Nai bata dain araha hai to!

Boring Profiles

If you observe you will note that most your relatives have boring profiles. It's because their profile has no purpose except getting access to your profile and having a good time. They upload nothing, add nothing, do nothing, just use their profile to go through yours. That is their purpose in life. So if ever you are sitting in a gathering with dignity they can bring embarrassing things up and make you want to kill yourself. 

Upload The Weirdest Crap

So they have dead profiles but if they do the effort of posting anything I don't know about yours but my relatives. Dude they upload the weirdest crap. Pictures of random clothes in a shop that they have no intention of buying. Pictures of a crow. Yes. Just a crow on the terrace. And not HD pictures. Gandi hilli hui pictures of a crow from their phone. Banda puchhay.

Judge You

Yes. They totally do. They pointedly ignore your salam in a gathering to remind you that they do not speak to disgusting people like you. Yes I have been through your Facebook and I know who you are. I judge you so your salam shall not be answered. Or you get an insanely sweet walaikumsalam, an offer to sit by them after which they start a lecture on life. On how girls should conduct themselves, how the zamana is kharab and how there is a hell after you die.

Get Free Entertainment

Hilarious as I am, I decided my relatives did not deserve the free entertainment I provided so I blocked them all. I only did it recently vesay. Before I had this do what you can about me attitude. Its fun to piss these people off. But then I realized I was actually doing them too much of a favor by keeping them on my list so I bid them farewell. 

Interview of Shahid Afridi (real or not real?)

Sawal: Apka naam?

Shahid Afridi: Munawar Hussain! Bhae bulaya kyun hai naam he nahi pata tou?

Sawal: Pesha?

Afridi: Drugs bechta hoon. Hadd hai! Cricketer hoon! Har match may apki tazleel ka nishana banta hoon aur ap naam peshay may phansay huay hain.

Sawal: Ap kitnay saal say cricket may hain?

Afridi: Paida he wahan hua tha!

Sawal: Kya ap ghussay kay tez hain?

Afridi: Ye APKO tou jald he pata lagnay wala hai.

Sawal: Apkay kitnay bachay hain?

Afridi: Yaar ye kis kism ka interview hai? Meray bachon ka kisi bhi cheez say kya taaluq hai?

Sawal: Thand rakhain. Ap har match may itni jaldi out kyun ho jatay hain?

Afridi: Darasal mujhay na pitch say darr lagta hai aur bat say boo ati hai. Tou may jatay he wahan say nikalnay ki karta hoon!

Sawal: Ap aksar India kay players say larr partay hain. Kyun?

Afridi: Apko India walon ka pata he hai. Kisi tez loomri kay shaagird hain saray k saray! Idher kuch kehtay hain, udher kuch kertay hain tou may tou bardaasht nahi kar pata esa attitude.

Sawal: Apki pasandeeda film konsi hai?

Afridi: Pakistani sab filmain.

Sawal: Pasandeeda dialogue?

Afridi: Meri behen da dupatta wapas kar!

Sawal: Ap kay baal baray achay hain. Clear Men waqai kamal ka shampoo hai!

Afridi: Bus kabhi gharoor nahi kiya!

Sawal: Apki bohat mehrbaani apnay qeemti wakt may say kuch wakt humay dia.

Afirdi: Jee apka bhi shukriya nihayat he fazool sawal pooch kar mera para charhanay ka!

Raising the Royal Baby – My Advice to Kate

Dear Kate,

Hi, I hope you are in the best of health. Congratulations on your new baby boy! You must be thrilled! I am writing today because I felt I needed to give you some warning and some advice. You see, raising a baby is no piece of cake. Seems like it but it isn't. Kate, you're going to have to experience a complete lifestyle change. You won’t be able to drink like you used to, be irresponsible as before, go frolicking about London shopping with girlfriends like you used to. You feel me? You are a mom now. A Mom!

I am going to give you some valuable advice which I feel is my duty as a well-wisher of the royal baby and an admirer of William who by the way is getting balder day by day. What you doing to him, girl? I’ll come back to that later, right now, the advice. It is as follows.

Dear Kate, please make sure you put your baby's head on a flat pillow so he has a shapely head. At this fresh age, you see the baby’s body is very impressionable. If you put it on a Mickey Mouse stamp, the cartoon will be engraved on your baby forever! So flat pillow. Make notes as I speak.

Number two. Please do not use the regular pampers on your baby because they leave rashes. Ask the royal tailor to stitch you some nappies out of cotton, maybe. I hear they are very comfortable and easy to wash and it wont be a drain on your fortune as pampers can be very expensive to buy.

You will need to baby proof the Palace which I am sure you haven’t done. You and William need to start partying less and tend to these important matters, lady. Baby proofing: remove all sharp objects and well Google more stuff like that and do all the things mentioned. We don’t want to be hearing stuff like “The Royal Baby fell off climbing the stairs, his leg is broken; he may recover but sport a limp for the rest of his life and never be able to run as fast as his peers.”

Feed him healthy stuff. Don’t go for artificial formulas, I hear they are the reason why children grow up to be junk food addicts. You see, their system starts preferring all things fake. I have no scientific proof to support what I am saying but the old aunties here in Pakistan say weird stuff like that and sometimes it is correct. It is the Royal baby, I’m sure you’d want to take the least risks, right? So consider all that you hear from no matter what source, yeah?

As your baby boy starts growing, Kate he's gonna want a laptop an iPhone 8 and stuff like that. Don't buy him those things at age five. Please. He'll have a lifetime for those. No one needs another spoilt kid on the internet updating social media status about his poop timetable. No thank you very much.

Once the Royal boy enters his teens, he's gonna start thinking and probably become a little rebellious. Give him his space, Kate. Give him lessons in smart ways. Do not lecture him to death. Teens hate lectures. Teach him tolerance and equality, teach him love and compassion by example, not by lectures.

Do not teach your baby that all Muslims and Pakistanis are terrorists because then you will be raising a very dumb child. We'll call him the "Royal Idiot!"

Wishing you the very best

Yours sincerely, 
Maham

Roti Pakanay Kay 16 Steps

1) Roti na pakao.
2) Tandoor pay ja k panch ropay ki lay ao.
3) School may achi tarah parho, job pay laggo, cook rakh lo, woh bana day ga.
4) Agar paanch ropay na hon, job bhi na ho tou fridge may say ata nikalo.
5) Aik gol anda banao, geelay atay ka.
6) Sookhay atay may daalo.
7) Tawa on karo.
8) Chakla belan uthao. Atay ka anda us pay rakho.
9) Belo.
10) Flat karo.
11) Tawa jo pehlay say on tha aur ab garam ho chuka hai us pay apni flat aur Africa kay nakshay jesi roti daalo
12) Pyaas lag rahi hai to paani peenay jao.
13) Rastay may TV dekhnay k liay ruk jana.
14) Boo aa rahi hai?
15) Roti sarr gayi hai.
16) Dobara pakao. 

Random Joke From Today

Mama to Mahnoor (my younger sister): Mahnoor! Terrace say ja ker ahista awaz may neechay Ali say pooch paisay kahan paray hain!
Mahnoor: Ahista awaz may kyun?
Mama: Chal oonchi oonchi pooch lay takay pooray muhally ko pata challay humaray paisay kahan paray hain!