Raising the Royal Baby – My Advice to Kate

Dear Kate,

Hi, I hope you are in the best of health. Congratulations on your new baby boy! You must be thrilled! I am writing today because I felt I needed to give you some warning and some advice. You see, raising a baby is no piece of cake. Seems like it but it isn't. Kate, you're going to have to experience a complete lifestyle change. You won’t be able to drink like you used to, be irresponsible as before, go frolicking about London shopping with girlfriends like you used to. You feel me? You are a mom now. A Mom!

I am going to give you some valuable advice which I feel is my duty as a well-wisher of the royal baby and an admirer of William who by the way is getting balder day by day. What you doing to him, girl? I’ll come back to that later, right now, the advice. It is as follows.

Dear Kate, please make sure you put your baby's head on a flat pillow so he has a shapely head. At this fresh age, you see the baby’s body is very impressionable. If you put it on a Mickey Mouse stamp, the cartoon will be engraved on your baby forever! So flat pillow. Make notes as I speak.

Number two. Please do not use the regular pampers on your baby because they leave rashes. Ask the royal tailor to stitch you some nappies out of cotton, maybe. I hear they are very comfortable and easy to wash and it wont be a drain on your fortune as pampers can be very expensive to buy.

You will need to baby proof the Palace which I am sure you haven’t done. You and William need to start partying less and tend to these important matters, lady. Baby proofing: remove all sharp objects and well Google more stuff like that and do all the things mentioned. We don’t want to be hearing stuff like “The Royal Baby fell off climbing the stairs, his leg is broken; he may recover but sport a limp for the rest of his life and never be able to run as fast as his peers.”

Feed him healthy stuff. Don’t go for artificial formulas, I hear they are the reason why children grow up to be junk food addicts. You see, their system starts preferring all things fake. I have no scientific proof to support what I am saying but the old aunties here in Pakistan say weird stuff like that and sometimes it is correct. It is the Royal baby, I’m sure you’d want to take the least risks, right? So consider all that you hear from no matter what source, yeah?

As your baby boy starts growing, Kate he's gonna want a laptop an iPhone 8 and stuff like that. Don't buy him those things at age five. Please. He'll have a lifetime for those. No one needs another spoilt kid on the internet updating social media status about his poop timetable. No thank you very much.

Once the Royal boy enters his teens, he's gonna start thinking and probably become a little rebellious. Give him his space, Kate. Give him lessons in smart ways. Do not lecture him to death. Teens hate lectures. Teach him tolerance and equality, teach him love and compassion by example, not by lectures.

Do not teach your baby that all Muslims and Pakistanis are terrorists because then you will be raising a very dumb child. We'll call him the "Royal Idiot!"

Wishing you the very best

Yours sincerely, 
Maham